In the new year we like to make resolutions and promises to ourselves; this year I will lose weight, this year I will travel, this year I will read Lord of the Rings. If yours is to spice up your sex life in a kinky way, or to explore kink further…then I hope this will be of some help to you. I am writing this as if to one person in parts but if you are in a couple then you get to both do it with someone else to help along the way, just don’t be surprised if you are not at the same point in your journeys all of the time that’s rare.
So as a first thing if you are in a couple, or an ongoing sexual arrangement, don’t try to flog a dead horse. What I mean is if you have no sexual attraction for each other anymore and are looking to kink as a way to fix it? I’m sorry but in my opinion that just won’t work. I strongly believe if you want to open up to exploring kinky sex or swinging/sex with more than just the two of you, that it will only work if you have a solid relationship to build from. It is like learning to walk before you run. That being said it doesn’t mean you cannot try…if you do and it works let me know! Prove me wrong!
So if you are wanting to explore the kinkier side of life, it helps to know where you are starting from. As with most things in life, there is such a huge spectrum that its hard to have a one size fits all thing everyone will love. I would suggest reading through some kinky blogs such as this, films like Nymphomaniac (specifically number 2 but you need to watch 1 for context) or secretary, YouTube channels such as Watts the Safeword, or even porn (kink make great stuff)and see if any feel more you. So you identify as a character who is more submissive or dominant?
I also suggest using the bdsm test. I think it works great as a conversation with a partner or trusted friend, as well as just doing the test. Discussing what each question means to you, as well as your answer. It will help you figure out the end results and if they feel accurate. I say to use this as a start place as it is never going to be 100% accurate in the way that no online test will ever know you better than you know yourself. However I have always found it very reliable and accurate to me. The results may also change over time as we all do, so I find it to be something me and my partner redo every so often to see what has changed for us.
Once you know where you may fit into this kinky world, let’s go out and find it! I feel the best way to find information to begin with, as with a lot of things in modern life, is online. I use and recommend creating an account on FetLife. There is a link to my profile at the top of the page to give you an idea of what a profile could be laid out as, but the more profiles you look at the more you will get an idea what feels right for you. The basics to cover are who you are as a person, who you are in a basic kinky sense and why you are there. Saying you are just there to perv and research is fine because it is honest. The best profiles read as if spoken out loud by you. What I mean is if they read about you, and it feels the same when they meet you in person then it sounds like you. Once you are happy with your new profile, it is time to find some fellow kinksters! Looking on kinky and popular in the explore tab will open up what a lot of people are reacting to that day. It is a good place to start to find people who write things your identify with, or show photos of things you would love to try. And for that it is a great way to use FetLife as a learning tool. Another great way is to join relevant groups. So if your top result in the bdsm test was Ageplayer, join some groups on age play, littles, Daddies/Mummies or DD/LG. Whatever interests you. You can speak to other people who are into and practice what could suit you well. Have a look through the fetishes tab as well, you can label as many as you want with ‘into’ or ‘curious about’ to get an idea of what is out there.
As with any sort of social media/networking online there will be people who message out of nowhere. As well as people who do not bother to read the profile on you first. Everyone I know on the site has had messages that show they haven’t bothered to read their profile. My Master was even messaged by a pro Domme inviting him to a FemDomme event, going as far as to say he could pay to be a sub to her and his Mistress could come too. He is not a sub in any way shape or form, nor does he have a Mistress of any kind. And of corse, there is no escaping the thirsty internet guys who will message every girl they can asking for sex or photos any way they can until someone obliges.
So say you feel more confident about what you would like to explore now, and would like to find a partner to play with. How to find someone genuine who is not just hiding behind their keyboard? Meet in person in a safe way, at a munch. I have written on munches before (see bottom of the page for link) so will focus more on how to find them on FetLife. So most places will have a group for the local area, so for me it is a group for mine and a neighboring county. In this group will be posts about local munches and play parties. And there is the events tab as well where you can find local events too. Munches will be listed in both of these places. I would always recommend meeting a new person at a munch, it keeps you both safe. It shows you are both trust worthy and happy to do things in a safe and methodical manner – if a ‘Dom’ guy had a reputation for just finding new submissive girls for quick sex, he is probably not likely to want to meet in a large group especially as some of those girls or their friends could be there.
Maybe it is you and a partner who want to explore kinky things and are now wondering why would WE go to a munch? To learn. To learn what it means to be your chosen role (Dom/ sub/ switch/pet…e.c.t) by speaking in person with people of the same role. To discuss techniques, or potential pitfalls with particular types of play. Not everyone can pick up a whip and be as proficient as Indiana Jones straight away. So asking someone in your local area who has a reputation for being good with whips for tips can only help. Also it helps to make friends who will understand the same small issues we all may have. If a colleague notices your husband saved as Daddy on your phone, what size cage to get for your male sub or what collars are acceptable in different jobs. It is always fun to discuss and learn with like-minded people.
Please be careful with any new toys or equipment you may get to try. Consider the quality of the toy…there is a reason that flogger is so cheap on eBay it is likely to fall apart easily whilst in use. Where possible ask people you know for recommendations (again a great reason to meet people at munches). Always test a toy before use. So I would expect any Top I play with to test a toy on themself first so they can feel the pain play off for the effort they put in. Also it can be a good idea to test on inanimate objects too, I use a pillow to test any new impact toy so i can get used to where it falls and improve my aim before use on anyone else. If you are lucky in your area, go to a class! This is easier for things such as rope sometimes, but some places do offer things such as flogging workshops. And as a Bottom always communicate clearly the first time a new toy is used on you. Does it need to be higher/lower, if you want them to try a different body part, if it can go a lot harder or needs to be lighter. It will take some time for you both to get used to it more often than not.
Lastly but by no means least; make sure to have both verbal and non verbal safe words in place, when new I find it best to use a graded safeword such as the traffic light system. Green= this is great carry on, Amber= please check in, something may need adjusting or it may be close to your limit and want to slow down, Red= stop everything now. This helps both partners get an idea on each others limits and communicate effectively during a scene. Make sure to have aftercare in place before any play starts. Generally speaking a warm blanket, food and drink is the minimum. Also consider if any minor first aid will be needed, ranging from rubbing arnica cream into a sore but, or cleaning a whip mark and possibly dressing like a wound if the skin is broken. The amount of aftercare and what is needed varies person to person and even scene to scene. This is why it is so important to discuss before hand and not just guess after. I also use this as a chance to discuss the scene with my partner, we go over what went well and what we would like to change for the future. It is ok, and important, to discuss what went well and needs changing over time as well as straight away after. Sometimes it takes a while for things to make sense and click.
Whatever you decide to do, please take your time to look into the ideas first and stay safe. Safety first so that the fun can last longer!
Until next time, happy spankings to all of you naughty guys, gals and all in between,
Kez x =)
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Kinky Kez 